Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Depressed Again

Actually it's not depressed again cuz depression never left me. Many many many people told me that just change the state of my mind and I will be fine. Just stop thinking about myself and think about others and I will be fine. You are not depressed, you just need to change your atittude.

The list can go on and on.

I know that these people probably tell me all these because they want to help me.. or perhaps they want me to die faster. I don't know but it's all NOT WORKING.

I tried very very very hard to maintain my bubbly self in front of people. I put on a smile, I tell jokes, I talk crap, act crap to make people laugh but it's getting harder and harder.

I don't know when did all these depressing issues start from but i know that I have been depressed on and off for the past maybe about 8 years. It's a wave like thing. For example, I will be depressed for 3-4 months and be ok for 3-4 months. Sometimes I can be depressed for a year and be ok for a year too. I don't know why it's like this and it's making me very tired.

At first, my blue days were manageable. I can still pretend easily that I am ok though I am actually upset. Slowly, I can still recover from it myself by diverting thoughts and change my mind abit.

I will be ok for some time then some unhappy stuff will trigger me again. It got harder to recover, I will start crying for no apparent reason just because I am sian and just because I feel very lonely. However, I can still pull myself out of this by doing some stuff which I like.. for example, watching opera or acting opera.

Then it got worse and worse. I think the worse one is the one I am having now.

It's bugging me and bugging me like an evil spirit. I tried everything and anything that I think will help me. I tried to be happy. I did things I like, I bought things I want so much like digi cam, PSP, PS2, lots of games, hair pieces, costumes and even going for a tour.

I tell myself,"I am happy now because I got a PSP."

I tried to concentrate on that tiny happinest I felt when I bought my PSP. I focused on it, I tried to remember it, I hang on it like hanging on a cliff. Then this little happiness whither away and I fall again. I fall again into deeper depression. It's like that everytime when I make an effort to be happy.

Sometimes, I tell myself,"Ok, maybe I should go for a tour. I will be happy."

Unfortunately, that doesn't work too. The evil spirit will tell me,"So what if you are in another country now. You are still a pathetic, hopeless loser."

I know you will probably say ignore that voice but I can't. I tried. I tried to concentrate on something else like working. People says that depressed people can work their ass off and forget their depression. That is so wrong because I will still be suddenly triggered by something and start crying.

Crying. I can tell Amai, I am a bigger cry baby than her. Definitely. Just that I never admitted it, I never tell anyone much about it cuz it made me a bigger loser.

I can cry anywhere. While walking home, I suddenly listen to a sad song in my mp3 and I will cry all the way walking home, drying my tears before going into my house. I don't want my family to see me crying.

I can cry when I am in the office. Then I will have to hide in the toilet. I will hide in a cubicle and try to cry softly. Sometimes, I cry at my desk, I don't know if my colleagues noticed.

I can also cry during rehearsals. I will be in a daze... no one talking to me, I am just staring at blank space. Then I will feel the tears welling up. At this time I will quickly walk away to somewhere isolated and cry for awhile.

Of cuz the best crying place will be my room. Countless nights were spent crying. Often, I cry up to 3 hours thinking about unhappy thoughts. I tried to divert my mind by play games or reading comics but then I can't concentrate. Sadness will still overwhelm me.

I can cry in cinemas. I watched movies alone and I will cry if something triggered me in the movie.

Almost EVERY SINGLE day I cry. Nobody knows that because I am always hiding it. I wonder why I am still not blind yet from all that crying but it has definitely made my eyes painful.

I often go to work with swollen eyes. I tried to hide it by not talking to anyone and keep on staring at my monitor.

I hate to be alone reason being I will defnitely cry if I am alone. It's a definite. I have never tried being alone and not crying before.

It has been like this for about 6 months. Not a very long time but not very short. Everyday is a slow day. Everyday spent is a torture to me.

Amai mentioned suicidal thoughts before. I often mention about dying in my blog too and I meant it. I am not afraid to die. In fact, almost every night before I sleep, I will wish that I won't wake up the next morning. How saddening I felt when I still wake up the next day. I will start my day off feeling upset cuz I didn't die in my sleep.

Why didn't I attempt to kill myself?

Cuz my mum told me not to. I told her that if time can reverse, I wish that she never gave birth to me. YH told me her birth was a mistake. Mine too. I told my mum I hope that I will get killed in Iran. My mum told me not to die cuz I am the only hope in the family.

It made me very upset again cuz even dying is not possible now. For my family I have to live. I have to continue to live my sad life.

I have the courage to die. I am not afraid.

As I tried to drag myself through each day, I tried to find the meaning of my life. I searched but I can't find anything. I don't hope to be millionaire, career woman, famous actress etc. I have no goals.

Feeling upset everyday has been giving me headaches recently. I have also lost weight, loss appetite and pimples continue to pop on my face. So I am now depressed and ugly. I hate to look at myself in the mirror cuz I am so ugly.

Inability to feel happiness. They term it as inability to feel happiness.

I have been so helpless and hopeless that I finally see a doctor. I told him I want sleeping pills. Sleeping gives me nightmares. Seriously, I have more nightmares nowadays than the normal dreams. I will dream of things that upset me. I know that by taking sleeping pills, I may have dreamless sleep.

The doctor didn't give me the pills. He asked questions instead. He looked at me and ask if something is bothering me. I said no. He looked at my arms and asked me if someone abused me. I said no. He continued to ask questions like that and they triggered me to be upset but I tried to hold back tears. He said that he can see the tears already. Finally, he prescribed relaxants to me and refer me to a phsychiatrist in SGH.

At the phsychiatrist place, I did tests and the doctor asked me many questions too. She said that I have got severe depression and she is going to prescribe me anti-depressants. I told her I don't want it cuz I will cure myself. I just need sleeping pills. She told me that if I have been in and out of depression for 8 years, she don't see how I can recover myself now. Depression will only get worse with time.

She again wrote a referral letter to refer me to the senior phsychiatrist of SGH 2 weeks later.

When I paid the bills, it totaled to be about $100. I know that the senior phsychiatrist will be abit more expensive so I didn't go back to SGH. I didn't eat the anti-depressants too cuz they are not going to work unless I continously go back SGH for progress diagnose.

So here I am, feeling like shit. I should die but I can't. I am stuck here. Waking up every morning feeling sad.

I miss the happy days 8 years ago when little things can make me happy. Now, no matter who do wat or wat I do, I have no feelings towards it.

One day if I never blog for a very long time, it probably means that I am dead.

Thanks for your continous support to my blog. I appreciated.


shanice said...

hi.. i know what i say will not really help much, but i do hope you will go on seeing the psychiatrist.. the antidepressent pills will really help..

i'm sure you know the depression is caused by biochemical imbalance, and the medication will help to alter such imbalance..

my pupil's mother jumped off the window, in front of her son.. because she couldn't tolerate the side effects of the antidepressents..

my cousin also attempted suicide.. she had severe depression since young.. but right now, the situation is under control, and we are all very glad about it..

for the sake of yourself, if not for ur family and friends, please do continue seeking help...

Miko said...

Thanks for that. I know that the anti depressants either make you better or make you worse with it's side effects. Maybe I will jump off the window too after taking those medicines.

I did try to call SGH yesterday but the earliest timing they gave me was 1 feb. What's so great about these phsychiatrist that I must wait so long. Then I called IMH and they told me to go emergency dept directly cuz they dun arrange appointments for patients with suicidal thoughts.

shanice said...

yeah.. go to IMH.. don't drag anymore..

another alternative is the private hospitals like Mt E..

木包子走火焰山,真香 said...

using external stimulus to bring abt relief is actually ok.

some ppl eat a lot, some eat chocolates, some buy stuffs, some buy shoes, watever.

but they are like panadol, they only provide temporary relief n after they material comfort effect wears off u r back in square one.

still in moderation, it is not a bad thing.

real lasting equanimity has to come from inside.

after u sorted out the knots inside, the tranquil emerges effortlessly.

Miko said...

shanice: I dunno about Mt E, those private ones like quite ex lor.

baozi: Your nick is cute. I understand what you are saying and that is exactly what I am trying to do too.