Depressed Again

Actually it's not depressed again cuz depression never left me. Many many many people told me that just change the state of my mind and I will be fine. Just stop thinking about myself and think about others and I will be fine. You are not depressed, you just need to change your atittude.

The list can go on and on.

I know that these people probably tell me all these because they want to help me.. or perhaps they want me to die faster. I don't know but it's all NOT WORKING.

I tried very very very hard to maintain my bubbly self in front of people. I put on a smile, I tell jokes, I talk crap, act crap to make people laugh but it's getting harder and harder.

I don't know when did all these depressing issues start from but i know that I have been depressed on and off for the past maybe about 8 years. It's a wave like thing. For example, I will be depressed for 3-4 months and be ok for 3-4 months. Sometimes I can be depressed for a year and be ok for a year too. I don't know why it's like this and it's making me very tired.

At first, my blue days were manageable. I can still pretend easily that I am ok though I am actually upset. Slowly, I can still recover from it myself by diverting thoughts and change my mind abit.

I will be ok for some time then some unhappy stuff will trigger me again. It got harder to recover, I will start crying for no apparent reason just because I am sian and just because I feel very lonely. However, I can still pull myself out of this by doing some stuff which I like.. for example, watching opera or acting opera.

Then it got worse and worse. I think the worse one is the one I am having now.

It's bugging me and bugging me like an evil spirit. I tried everything and anything that I think will help me. I tried to be happy. I did things I like, I bought things I want so much like digi cam, PSP, PS2, lots of games, hair pieces, costumes and even going for a tour.

I tell myself,"I am happy now because I got a PSP."

I tried to concentrate on that tiny happinest I felt when I bought my PSP. I focused on it, I tried to remember it, I hang on it like hanging on a cliff. Then this little happiness whither away and I fall again. I fall again into deeper depression. It's like that everytime when I make an effort to be happy.

Sometimes, I tell myself,"Ok, maybe I should go for a tour. I will be happy."

Unfortunately, that doesn't work too. The evil spirit will tell me,"So what if you are in another country now. You are still a pathetic, hopeless loser."

I know you will probably say ignore that voice but I can't. I tried. I tried to concentrate on something else like working. People says that depressed people can work their ass off and forget their depression. That is so wrong because I will still be suddenly triggered by something and start crying.

Crying. I can tell Amai, I am a bigger cry baby than her. Definitely. Just that I never admitted it, I never tell anyone much about it cuz it made me a bigger loser.

I can cry anywhere. While walking home, I suddenly listen to a sad song in my mp3 and I will cry all the way walking home, drying my tears before going into my house. I don't want my family to see me crying.

I can cry when I am in the office. Then I will have to hide in the toilet. I will hide in a cubicle and try to cry softly. Sometimes, I cry at my desk, I don't know if my colleagues noticed.

I can also cry during rehearsals. I will be in a daze... no one talking to me, I am just staring at blank space. Then I will feel the tears welling up. At this time I will quickly walk away to somewhere isolated and cry for awhile.

Of cuz the best crying place will be my room. Countless nights were spent crying. Often, I cry up to 3 hours thinking about unhappy thoughts. I tried to divert my mind by play games or reading comics but then I can't concentrate. Sadness will still overwhelm me.

I can cry in cinemas. I watched movies alone and I will cry if something triggered me in the movie.

Almost EVERY SINGLE day I cry. Nobody knows that because I am always hiding it. I wonder why I am still not blind yet from all that crying but it has definitely made my eyes painful.

I often go to work with swollen eyes. I tried to hide it by not talking to anyone and keep on staring at my monitor.

I hate to be alone reason being I will defnitely cry if I am alone. It's a definite. I have never tried being alone and not crying before.

It has been like this for about 6 months. Not a very long time but not very short. Everyday is a slow day. Everyday spent is a torture to me.

Amai mentioned suicidal thoughts before. I often mention about dying in my blog too and I meant it. I am not afraid to die. In fact, almost every night before I sleep, I will wish that I won't wake up the next morning. How saddening I felt when I still wake up the next day. I will start my day off feeling upset cuz I didn't die in my sleep.

Why didn't I attempt to kill myself?

Cuz my mum told me not to. I told her that if time can reverse, I wish that she never gave birth to me. YH told me her birth was a mistake. Mine too. I told my mum I hope that I will get killed in Iran. My mum told me not to die cuz I am the only hope in the family.

It made me very upset again cuz even dying is not possible now. For my family I have to live. I have to continue to live my sad life.

I have the courage to die. I am not afraid.

As I tried to drag myself through each day, I tried to find the meaning of my life. I searched but I can't find anything. I don't hope to be millionaire, career woman, famous actress etc. I have no goals.

Feeling upset everyday has been giving me headaches recently. I have also lost weight, loss appetite and pimples continue to pop on my face. So I am now depressed and ugly. I hate to look at myself in the mirror cuz I am so ugly.

Inability to feel happiness. They term it as inability to feel happiness.

I have been so helpless and hopeless that I finally see a doctor. I told him I want sleeping pills. Sleeping gives me nightmares. Seriously, I have more nightmares nowadays than the normal dreams. I will dream of things that upset me. I know that by taking sleeping pills, I may have dreamless sleep.

The doctor didn't give me the pills. He asked questions instead. He looked at me and ask if something is bothering me. I said no. He looked at my arms and asked me if someone abused me. I said no. He continued to ask questions like that and they triggered me to be upset but I tried to hold back tears. He said that he can see the tears already. Finally, he prescribed relaxants to me and refer me to a phsychiatrist in SGH.

At the phsychiatrist place, I did tests and the doctor asked me many questions too. She said that I have got severe depression and she is going to prescribe me anti-depressants. I told her I don't want it cuz I will cure myself. I just need sleeping pills. She told me that if I have been in and out of depression for 8 years, she don't see how I can recover myself now. Depression will only get worse with time.

She again wrote a referral letter to refer me to the senior phsychiatrist of SGH 2 weeks later.

When I paid the bills, it totaled to be about $100. I know that the senior phsychiatrist will be abit more expensive so I didn't go back to SGH. I didn't eat the anti-depressants too cuz they are not going to work unless I continously go back SGH for progress diagnose.

So here I am, feeling like shit. I should die but I can't. I am stuck here. Waking up every morning feeling sad.

I miss the happy days 8 years ago when little things can make me happy. Now, no matter who do wat or wat I do, I have no feelings towards it.

One day if I never blog for a very long time, it probably means that I am dead.

Thanks for your continous support to my blog. I appreciated.