Depressed Again

Actually it's not depressed again cuz depression never left me. Many many many people told me that just change the state of my mind and I will be fine. Just stop thinking about myself and think about others and I will be fine. You are not depressed, you just need to change your atittude.

The list can go on and on.

I know that these people probably tell me all these because they want to help me.. or perhaps they want me to die faster. I don't know but it's all NOT WORKING.

I tried very very very hard to maintain my bubbly self in front of people. I put on a smile, I tell jokes, I talk crap, act crap to make people laugh but it's getting harder and harder.

I don't know when did all these depressing issues start from but i know that I have been depressed on and off for the past maybe about 8 years. It's a wave like thing. For example, I will be depressed for 3-4 months and be ok for 3-4 months. Sometimes I can be depressed for a year and be ok for a year too. I don't know why it's like this and it's making me very tired.

At first, my blue days were manageable. I can still pretend easily that I am ok though I am actually upset. Slowly, I can still recover from it myself by diverting thoughts and change my mind abit.

I will be ok for some time then some unhappy stuff will trigger me again. It got harder to recover, I will start crying for no apparent reason just because I am sian and just because I feel very lonely. However, I can still pull myself out of this by doing some stuff which I like.. for example, watching opera or acting opera.

Then it got worse and worse. I think the worse one is the one I am having now.

It's bugging me and bugging me like an evil spirit. I tried everything and anything that I think will help me. I tried to be happy. I did things I like, I bought things I want so much like digi cam, PSP, PS2, lots of games, hair pieces, costumes and even going for a tour.

I tell myself,"I am happy now because I got a PSP."

I tried to concentrate on that tiny happinest I felt when I bought my PSP. I focused on it, I tried to remember it, I hang on it like hanging on a cliff. Then this little happiness whither away and I fall again. I fall again into deeper depression. It's like that everytime when I make an effort to be happy.

Sometimes, I tell myself,"Ok, maybe I should go for a tour. I will be happy."

Unfortunately, that doesn't work too. The evil spirit will tell me,"So what if you are in another country now. You are still a pathetic, hopeless loser."

I know you will probably say ignore that voice but I can't. I tried. I tried to concentrate on something else like working. People says that depressed people can work their ass off and forget their depression. That is so wrong because I will still be suddenly triggered by something and start crying.

Crying. I can tell Amai, I am a bigger cry baby than her. Definitely. Just that I never admitted it, I never tell anyone much about it cuz it made me a bigger loser.

I can cry anywhere. While walking home, I suddenly listen to a sad song in my mp3 and I will cry all the way walking home, drying my tears before going into my house. I don't want my family to see me crying.

I can cry when I am in the office. Then I will have to hide in the toilet. I will hide in a cubicle and try to cry softly. Sometimes, I cry at my desk, I don't know if my colleagues noticed.

I can also cry during rehearsals. I will be in a daze... no one talking to me, I am just staring at blank space. Then I will feel the tears welling up. At this time I will quickly walk away to somewhere isolated and cry for awhile.

Of cuz the best crying place will be my room. Countless nights were spent crying. Often, I cry up to 3 hours thinking about unhappy thoughts. I tried to divert my mind by play games or reading comics but then I can't concentrate. Sadness will still overwhelm me.

I can cry in cinemas. I watched movies alone and I will cry if something triggered me in the movie.

Almost EVERY SINGLE day I cry. Nobody knows that because I am always hiding it. I wonder why I am still not blind yet from all that crying but it has definitely made my eyes painful.

I often go to work with swollen eyes. I tried to hide it by not talking to anyone and keep on staring at my monitor.

I hate to be alone reason being I will defnitely cry if I am alone. It's a definite. I have never tried being alone and not crying before.

It has been like this for about 6 months. Not a very long time but not very short. Everyday is a slow day. Everyday spent is a torture to me.

Amai mentioned suicidal thoughts before. I often mention about dying in my blog too and I meant it. I am not afraid to die. In fact, almost every night before I sleep, I will wish that I won't wake up the next morning. How saddening I felt when I still wake up the next day. I will start my day off feeling upset cuz I didn't die in my sleep.

Why didn't I attempt to kill myself?

Cuz my mum told me not to. I told her that if time can reverse, I wish that she never gave birth to me. YH told me her birth was a mistake. Mine too. I told my mum I hope that I will get killed in Iran. My mum told me not to die cuz I am the only hope in the family.

It made me very upset again cuz even dying is not possible now. For my family I have to live. I have to continue to live my sad life.

I have the courage to die. I am not afraid.

As I tried to drag myself through each day, I tried to find the meaning of my life. I searched but I can't find anything. I don't hope to be millionaire, career woman, famous actress etc. I have no goals.

Feeling upset everyday has been giving me headaches recently. I have also lost weight, loss appetite and pimples continue to pop on my face. So I am now depressed and ugly. I hate to look at myself in the mirror cuz I am so ugly.

Inability to feel happiness. They term it as inability to feel happiness.

I have been so helpless and hopeless that I finally see a doctor. I told him I want sleeping pills. Sleeping gives me nightmares. Seriously, I have more nightmares nowadays than the normal dreams. I will dream of things that upset me. I know that by taking sleeping pills, I may have dreamless sleep.

The doctor didn't give me the pills. He asked questions instead. He looked at me and ask if something is bothering me. I said no. He looked at my arms and asked me if someone abused me. I said no. He continued to ask questions like that and they triggered me to be upset but I tried to hold back tears. He said that he can see the tears already. Finally, he prescribed relaxants to me and refer me to a phsychiatrist in SGH.

At the phsychiatrist place, I did tests and the doctor asked me many questions too. She said that I have got severe depression and she is going to prescribe me anti-depressants. I told her I don't want it cuz I will cure myself. I just need sleeping pills. She told me that if I have been in and out of depression for 8 years, she don't see how I can recover myself now. Depression will only get worse with time.

She again wrote a referral letter to refer me to the senior phsychiatrist of SGH 2 weeks later.

When I paid the bills, it totaled to be about $100. I know that the senior phsychiatrist will be abit more expensive so I didn't go back to SGH. I didn't eat the anti-depressants too cuz they are not going to work unless I continously go back SGH for progress diagnose.

So here I am, feeling like shit. I should die but I can't. I am stuck here. Waking up every morning feeling sad.

I miss the happy days 8 years ago when little things can make me happy. Now, no matter who do wat or wat I do, I have no feelings towards it.

One day if I never blog for a very long time, it probably means that I am dead.

Thanks for your continous support to my blog. I appreciated.

Are you dead?

Since Amai said that I am being inactive recently, I guess I should be abit more active la. If not people think that I am dead already.

A few days ago, I was sleeping, as per normal, during lunch. I wasn't in a deep sleep, just resting when Lock came over. He saw me sleeping and decided to give me a note.


I heard some noises so I look up and Lock was caught red-handed trying to stick this note on my keyboard.

As you can see, he wrote on the note,"Are you dead?" and drew this very ugly version of me lying on the table. I can't make out what the drawing was at first because his drawing was so lousy. I thought it was a mickey mouse.... -_-"

Another episode of my silly friends doing silly things.

Food Tasting

Last week, a colleague invited me and Lock to go to Chijmes for food tasting for our DND. So good, got free food to eat.

It was a chinese style dinner. Actually it's exactly the same as a wedding dinner! I never heard of DND having chinese style sit down dinner before. Normally it's buffet style.

Anyway, Lock is a shameless greedy pig (he himself admitted he is shameless and greedy) so he went with us.

We had the food tasting in the main hall of Chijmes. I love the ambience there. So classic and romantic. It will be a perfect place for wedding dinners. But this ambience comes with a high price of about $900++ to $1000++ per table and the food was so so only.


The beautiful hall in Chijmes.

BTW, we are not having the dinner at this hall on the actual day because we only having 11 tables. Too little.

The food was ok only. I hate the noodle and dessert tho. Dessert was red bean paste. I hate red bean paste. The others also didn't like it so we decided to change it mang pudding. The noodle will be changed to lotus leaf rice.

The food portion was not very big. It was much smaller, in fact, compared to a wedding dinner I just had not long ago. They charge more but they give less for the location.

Too bad I can't invite YX to this dinner cuz he got performance at GCB. Anyway I got myself another partner already. hee hee.

Li Yu Gang

Amai got blog about Li Yu Gang before, the guy who impersonate women for a job.

I w as surfing about 'Gui fei zui jiu' recently because I suddenly want to learn to do this show and I came across this MV of Li Yu Gang. It's his new song named, Xin Gui Fei Zui Jiu. I like the song very much. The melody is very nice and the part where he sang in a dan's voice is also very nice.

Take a look here. He is a pretty dan. The song sounds like 2 persons are singing but it's actually just him alone.

Unfortunately, he didn't release an album of this song and KTV don't have this song too.. haiz.


Nice song!Li Yu Gang's photo as a man.
Li Yu Gang as a woman.

I must admit that he did his dan quite well. His movements were rather smooth and he carries off the gui fei feel quite well.

Farewell My Concubine

I don't know if you have seen this film before but this is one of the BEST film I have ever ever seen in my life. The story is so nice, so touching!

Of course it will help if you have a little background understanding of China's history then you will understand it better.

This movie is a tragedy telling the life story of 2 pekin opera actors, how they met and how they suffered during the hardest time in China. The most prominent role should be Cheng Die Yi. That's the male lead.. or should I say the female lead? Hee hee..

This role was done by Leslie Cheung. He did a wonderful job cuz I think this role is very very very hard to act out. There are so many things he need to look out for especially those emotional parts. Also, I think he did the opera parts very well. Though the singing was dubbed, he did the movements himself. It was said that the director asked him if he want to have a real pekin actress double him during those opera parts, he said no, he wantd to try it himself and he did a wonderful job.

This film is rather long and you have to be focused when you watch it to catch the real emotions of the actors.

Best movie.

Here are some interviews of the main casts.

Part 1: Actors describing how they acted out the roles



Part 2: Same as above, but Leslie described his pekin opera parts. Just look at him! he looked so natural and so 'jiao mei'! My god. Even in my troupe few dans can do that kind of 'feel'. (sorry to say that lah)



Part 3: Some clips from the movie.



Leslie is such a pretty dan! Don't you think so? Actually men has a certain charm when they act as dans. There is this 柔中帶剛 feel. Especially the singing. It is less shrill with a mellow touch. I must declare that only CERTAIN outstanding male dans can deliver such feel. Some male dans... can't make it. Sorry to say that also.

I can only say... Leslie is such a good actor. It's a pity to lose such a good actor like him... haiz...

If you haven't seen this movie, you should see it. And be touched by it.

The below clip is Leslie practicing pekin opera. As I said, the voice is not his, it's dubbed but the movements were pretty well done. Btw, he did my fav MDT in this movie too.. :)



Got 'feel'..

Jiang Cheng Zi

I bet most of you must have heard of Su Shi aka Su Dong Po before. Many of my friends made fun of his name calling him sotong ball.

I used to like one of his poems alot because it was so touching. He wrote this poem for his deceased wife.

Title: Jiang Cheng Zi.

十年生死兩茫茫
不思量　自難忘
千里孤墳　無處話淒涼
縱使相逢應不識
塵滿面　鬢如霜

夜來幽夢忽還鄉
小軒窗　正梳妝
相顧無言　惟有淚千行
料得年年腸斷處
明月夜　短松岡

I have got an english translation here just in case you need it:

Ten years now separating the living and the dead,
I do nothing to remember,
But I cannot forget.
Your lonely grave a thousand miles away ...
Nowhere can I talk of my sorrow --
Even if we meet again, you will not recognise me.
Now that my face has aged and my hair is like snow.

In the dark of night I suddenly dream that I am home
You are by the window combing your hair
We looked at each other unable to speak
Thousands of tears flowed
I must accept that every year I'll think of that heart breaking place,
Where the moon shines brightly in the night, and bare pines guard the tomb.

Touching? Do you like it? I like it very much, the way he described his thoughts for his dead wife and the description of his dream. I can imagine his sadness.

Lee Hom

Nothing to do, surf Youtube.

I came across this clip of lee hom showing his pitch perfect-ness. Is there anything that Leehom can't do?? My god. He is so pitch perfect, has he ever gone off tune before?

Wish I was like him... :(

May also wish to be like him right? hee hee....



He mixed and adjust the liquids in those glasses to the pitches he want. He must have good listening skills to do that.

Someone commented that he played 'Mary had a little Lamb' in C major.

Rebonded Hair

I don't know why the ends of my rebonded hair will curl. Is it my shampoo? or my hair mask??? Or maybe the chemicals the salon use wasn't strong/good enough?

-_-"

Abit sianz..

Fortunately it's still soft. If it curls at the ends and it's not soft anymore I will blow my top. I think I will do rebonding again next year Feb. For the sake of chinese new year.

Arggh.. I hate chinese new year! Everyone will ask about bf lah, marriage lah.. hate it. I think I will announce that I am a lesbian.

Good news!!!

The God#$%% pimples on my face are finally fading!! yay!! Hah! After so long they finally gave up and decided to fade away. Now I got to deal with the scars. Sianz, the scars are very hard to get rid.

Don't ask for too much, at least there are no more pimples now.

Dynasty KTV

Been feeling low again these few days so never update my blog. Haiz.. no mood to write and nothing to write.

Recently, there were quite a few visitors in my blog whom I don't know. I think I better watch my tongue and don't write too much crap. Skali they are spies, to spy if I got scold the government or not.. or something like that. I am so used to thrashing out everything in blog scolding anything and everything I want, it's going to be hard.

Haiz, sian.

Last Sat, I went to meet Lock to go KTV with him, Sumi and my mum. Lock was supposed to pick us up at Wisma but apparently someone casted darkness on him and he didn't have any eyedrops so he keep missing the turns and lost his way. In the end he stopped below a big tree near Wheelock place and I had to walk over with my mum and my kik kok heels.

Then we picked up Sumi and we all went for ice-cream at Island Creamery. The ice-cream was recommended by Lock. He told me they were special because there were lots of local flavours like Nutella, Chendol, apple pie, Horlicks etc. And the weirdest flavour was Tiger Beer! Just imagine Tiger Beer ice-cream. I tried that and it was actually not bad lor. It's not bitter as I expected. Quite sweet.

After ice-cream, we went to Dynasty KTV. Sounds sleazy..

But that was one of the better KTVs I went to.

The room was big with 3 TVs side by side. The one in the middle is for you to pick your songs, the one on the left was for your KTV and the one on the right for you to surf net!

You can also adjust the temperature of the aircon in the room so it's not too cold unlike most KTVs which were freezing cold. I switched off the air-con as the room was very cold when I went in.

Surprisingly, that KTV has got the latest songs. Not bad, at least they update their database. I managed to sing Jay's latest song, 'Cowboy very busy'.

The rooms there were fully booked so if you wanna go there, you have to book in advance. I can see why they are popular.. They are cheap! $58 per room so you just divide among yourselves. BTW, they only open on weekends. Each of us paid $14.50 on a Sat night. That's quite cheap.

We sang until 2:45am before calling it a day. Tired like hell. We planned to watch vcd after ktv but we were too dead by then.. All fell asleep.. zzzzz...

That's about all, a very normal entry, with not vulgar language. hahaha..

Lee Hom Vs Jay

Lee hom and Jay again?! you might think.

Hee hee.. I found a clip online of Jay and Lee hom talking about what they think of each other. As you know (or probably you dont know) , Leehom and Jay both like to write 'zhong guo feng' songs so it's interesting to hear what they gotta say about each other.

They also sang each other's song in the clip. Who sing better? Both sang well I think!

Jay and Leehom forever!